The comforter...

As I frolicked in my youth, I stumbled into a giant fair and tall. I found a great sense of security and admiration for this giant. So great was the comfort he brought me that I wrapped myself in his love as a child with its prized blanket. New, fresh, and warm was that love as down comforter. However as with any well love and not so gently treated blanket, it started to ware out. Our love was ever changing and evolving yet it become worn and not well loved, the way it should have been. Over the years it got a few snag and wholes, we did not mend it as we should have. The holes grew larger, soon gaps and tears nearly un-mendable. Then almost as a bad dream, that once warm and soft blanket no longer kept us warm and safe. I started to wake up cold and lonely scared. We tried to patch and mend our blanket, with no luck. We were work against each other instead of together, and it tore in half. Our dream was ended. Now I sit each day longing to feel that once great comfort I found.

With that loss, I have been asking myself how you just quit loving someone. You spend and invested so much into keeping together. I find I want to try to mend our blanket our love with no thread or needle to do so. Now I hold my half of the blanket and he his. Without the tools needed there is no way of putting the two halves back together.  What do I do with that love? Where does it go? You can’t just toss all the feelings away.  We still must share separate lives together, we have threads that binds together. Each one with a name, a personality, needs and a love we share.  I ask again, how you stop loving such a large part of your life?

I don’t know if you can ever stop loving. My feelings are that your love must change once more. This time it will hurt the most. Somehow some way that love you shared will change over time. I wish I knew how to make it hurt less, or even how it can change that way. I suppose that is where you rely of faith to get through. I have been told faith is like a mustard seed. So small is a mustard seed. Yet with the right setting it will grow into a great plant. With faith, love, patience and time I plant my seed of hope and love.  I pray that I am equal to the task set before me, that I can find a new way to love with the least amount of pain.

Shattered Glass

As I ponder here, I find myself in a state undefined, lost and feeling naked, at times in great despair. I find myself looking for answers, in shadows, rebellious acts, in friends, and on my knees. Admittedly not all of these are the best places to seek out answers. I have been, and still am lost in this crazy world. This once hoppy frog feels her night with tears and sorrows. Tears of a lost love, fears of change and sorrow for the pain I have caused.

My happily ever after has crumbled. I find my tadpoles and myself in a two bedroom lily pad with no room to breathe. My prince is in another pond struggling perhaps with his own demands. It’s hard to say when things all started to fall apart.  Was it when my life was nearly cut short due to illness, as I felt betrayed by the one that should have been there for me?  Was it when I felt one of my children was endangered? I am sure I could have handled that situation better than fleeing for two weeks. Was it due to the fact I felt abandon by the one I loved, to a mistress known as club dad? I was alone and lonely and struggling, with the pressure of raising five wonderful and challenging tadpoles. Was it due to temptations of the flesh? With feelings of being desired and maybe even being needed to great. Over ruled was common scene giving way to temptation. Yet again was it the fear of an abusive pattern being formed, a fear triggering me to leave in order to protect my family? Or was it simply the over whelming feelings of disappointment and despair? The feeling of knowledge that things will not change the way I needed them to in order to feel safe, loved, needed, and the ability to grow.  All I know is my in ability to trust and respect my partner became too much for me, for us. Too much pain, heartache, feelings of betrayal has passed the threshold of our home, dissolving our love. We let satin in and push Gods love aside.

As I kneel here trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart. Once more I find myself seeking the sheltering arms of love and safety. Feelings of pain and fear are striking the chords of a deeply barred rebellious side of me. I have found myself wanting to act out and seek love in the wrong ways or place. No man, object or vice can feel that void. I must remember to seek it in a place of love the place I can find solace in. There is only one thing that can heal my wounds and that is to turn to the Lord. I must surrender all the broken shards of my life to God. Remembering to seek out and ask him for his help and love, not the ways of the world.  Why is it so hard right now to fall to my knees and ask now? I have always lived with a great testimony of his love, that through him all things are made possible, yet i strugle. I am blessed daily and strive to see each simple blessing as it comes. At this time i can see his loving hand is in my life, I know there is a reason, a time and a season.  The lord has a plan; i know not what it is or where it will lead me. I simply pray for endurance, faith and forgiveness as I stumble through these challenges. My pain is deep and his love is great!

A pome I found that in a way summed up how I was feeling today…

Take My Pieces

I don’t remember how to breathe.

My mind is living in silence,

as shattered whispers pierce my ears.

I’ve been sifting through this empty wreckage

of loss and fear,

anguished and afraid.

I’ve forgotten how to move.

So, I stand on quivering knees.

Where is my mighty heart? I lost it.

I lost it in the pain,

or maybe it just broke somewhere.

Are these pieces worthless to you now?

Wait, while I gather the shards,

I think I can find them all.

There might be a few to replace.

If you don’t mind, hold them gently.

They aren’t much now, but they are all I have.

You made them anyway,

so you must know where all the pieces go.

I’m sorry, I broke it…

I know that wasn’t your plan.

I kind of get that part confused sometimes.

When you put it back together,

can you use an extra strong glue this time?

I don’t want it to break there again..or there…or there..

If you could polish that place up a bit, it might help.

It’s been scraped and scarred.

I suppose you’ve noticed

but that split in the middle?

It could use some care.

Actually, you better just keep it.

I think it might be safer in your hands.

Copyright 2010, Christi Armstrong