The comforter...

As I frolicked in my youth, I stumbled into a giant fair and tall. I found a great sense of security and admiration for this giant. So great was the comfort he brought me that I wrapped myself in his love as a child with its prized blanket. New, fresh, and warm was that love as down comforter. However as with any well love and not so gently treated blanket, it started to ware out. Our love was ever changing and evolving yet it become worn and not well loved, the way it should have been. Over the years it got a few snag and wholes, we did not mend it as we should have. The holes grew larger, soon gaps and tears nearly un-mendable. Then almost as a bad dream, that once warm and soft blanket no longer kept us warm and safe. I started to wake up cold and lonely scared. We tried to patch and mend our blanket, with no luck. We were work against each other instead of together, and it tore in half. Our dream was ended. Now I sit each day longing to feel that once great comfort I found.

With that loss, I have been asking myself how you just quit loving someone. You spend and invested so much into keeping together. I find I want to try to mend our blanket our love with no thread or needle to do so. Now I hold my half of the blanket and he his. Without the tools needed there is no way of putting the two halves back together.  What do I do with that love? Where does it go? You can’t just toss all the feelings away.  We still must share separate lives together, we have threads that binds together. Each one with a name, a personality, needs and a love we share.  I ask again, how you stop loving such a large part of your life?

I don’t know if you can ever stop loving. My feelings are that your love must change once more. This time it will hurt the most. Somehow some way that love you shared will change over time. I wish I knew how to make it hurt less, or even how it can change that way. I suppose that is where you rely of faith to get through. I have been told faith is like a mustard seed. So small is a mustard seed. Yet with the right setting it will grow into a great plant. With faith, love, patience and time I plant my seed of hope and love.  I pray that I am equal to the task set before me, that I can find a new way to love with the least amount of pain.

Shattered Glass

As I ponder here, I find myself in a state undefined, lost and feeling naked, at times in great despair. I find myself looking for answers, in shadows, rebellious acts, in friends, and on my knees. Admittedly not all of these are the best places to seek out answers. I have been, and still am lost in this crazy world. This once hoppy frog feels her night with tears and sorrows. Tears of a lost love, fears of change and sorrow for the pain I have caused.

My happily ever after has crumbled. I find my tadpoles and myself in a two bedroom lily pad with no room to breathe. My prince is in another pond struggling perhaps with his own demands. It’s hard to say when things all started to fall apart.  Was it when my life was nearly cut short due to illness, as I felt betrayed by the one that should have been there for me?  Was it when I felt one of my children was endangered? I am sure I could have handled that situation better than fleeing for two weeks. Was it due to the fact I felt abandon by the one I loved, to a mistress known as club dad? I was alone and lonely and struggling, with the pressure of raising five wonderful and challenging tadpoles. Was it due to temptations of the flesh? With feelings of being desired and maybe even being needed to great. Over ruled was common scene giving way to temptation. Yet again was it the fear of an abusive pattern being formed, a fear triggering me to leave in order to protect my family? Or was it simply the over whelming feelings of disappointment and despair? The feeling of knowledge that things will not change the way I needed them to in order to feel safe, loved, needed, and the ability to grow.  All I know is my in ability to trust and respect my partner became too much for me, for us. Too much pain, heartache, feelings of betrayal has passed the threshold of our home, dissolving our love. We let satin in and push Gods love aside.

As I kneel here trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart. Once more I find myself seeking the sheltering arms of love and safety. Feelings of pain and fear are striking the chords of a deeply barred rebellious side of me. I have found myself wanting to act out and seek love in the wrong ways or place. No man, object or vice can feel that void. I must remember to seek it in a place of love the place I can find solace in. There is only one thing that can heal my wounds and that is to turn to the Lord. I must surrender all the broken shards of my life to God. Remembering to seek out and ask him for his help and love, not the ways of the world.  Why is it so hard right now to fall to my knees and ask now? I have always lived with a great testimony of his love, that through him all things are made possible, yet i strugle. I am blessed daily and strive to see each simple blessing as it comes. At this time i can see his loving hand is in my life, I know there is a reason, a time and a season.  The lord has a plan; i know not what it is or where it will lead me. I simply pray for endurance, faith and forgiveness as I stumble through these challenges. My pain is deep and his love is great!

A pome I found that in a way summed up how I was feeling today…

Take My Pieces

I don’t remember how to breathe.

My mind is living in silence,

as shattered whispers pierce my ears.

I’ve been sifting through this empty wreckage

of loss and fear,

anguished and afraid.

I’ve forgotten how to move.

So, I stand on quivering knees.

Where is my mighty heart? I lost it.

I lost it in the pain,

or maybe it just broke somewhere.

Are these pieces worthless to you now?

Wait, while I gather the shards,

I think I can find them all.

There might be a few to replace.

If you don’t mind, hold them gently.

They aren’t much now, but they are all I have.

You made them anyway,

so you must know where all the pieces go.

I’m sorry, I broke it…

I know that wasn’t your plan.

I kind of get that part confused sometimes.

When you put it back together,

can you use an extra strong glue this time?

I don’t want it to break there again..or there…or there..

If you could polish that place up a bit, it might help.

It’s been scraped and scarred.

I suppose you’ve noticed

but that split in the middle?

It could use some care.

Actually, you better just keep it.

I think it might be safer in your hands.

Copyright 2010, Christi Armstrong

A Frogs Dream

     Did you ever have a dream or aspiration that you felt would never be accomplish? This Frog did! As a young frog I had a goal that I would receive a higher education. I would have been first the generation to attend a College or University.  I would take AP courses and maintained Honor Role status throughout high school. This frog would obtain her goals, or so she thought.

     Life has a funny way of veering you off course. I never had an outreach of support yet I maintained my desire to achieve. Until one day as I was filling out applications for universities. I had a teacher walk up to me and tell me I was too late. Too late for what? To go to college! I had failed to take all my pretest and get my applications out in a timely fashion, yet I was just a senior in high school. I was told not to even try! Are you kidding me! Thank you dear teacher for destroying my dreams.

     I proceeded to graduate that year. Then get married to my high school sweet heart and have a baby. That was it, my dreams wiped away. I was to be a mother and a wife with no dreams of her own. I love being a mother, yet I felt so empty. I made the best of it having five beautiful children, and creating new goals. Yet that has not been enough for me. I needed to have my own dream once more.

     In our life we often have to relearn new things, to find our self-confidence, to dream!

A few months ago I happened I was motivated to chase my goal once more. If I could overcome the amazing hurdles I have faced, why not this one. I was going to combine my passions of the great outdoors and science. I was going go into Forestry!  Mmm... bump once more my dream was denied. My Dream would require us moving to an area of extreme weather, I would love that! My family however would not share my enthusiasm of extreme winters. Then there is the problem of removing my kids from their school. The school we moved a thousand miles to attend. Just so my children with their unique needs would have a chance at a successful life. Then there was the high probability of relocating once more for a job in that field. It was just not a family friendly choice for us. With that all I could hear from the resounding No's is you can't go and achieve your goals. So I sat befuddled on my Lilly pad.

   With yet another dream dashed the pressure mounted, sending my mind in to great turmoil. The fears of not being able to maintain my current job due to my lack of schooling and  what ifs’ of life was too much. This frog, me, I need security! I am always preparing, always with a backup plan. I had no great plan once more. I let this mess of emotions stew for some time as i continued to look, hoping to find a new spark.

    From some an unrelated conversation was that spark of encouragement I needed. With that single spark I regained focus. What was another passion I could pursue? Then it hit me as I stared at a pile of new fitness clothes I just won. I would go into fitness training and Nutritional Education! I area I have succeeded at, a passion on mine. An active job, one I could do indoors or outside. One people will love and pay to hate me for. Once more, I could use to help my own family. On that I submitted my application to Salt lake Community College and my FAFSA. I should be attending school this fall.

     With a simple click of a mouse a mounting pressure was released. This short frog grew several inches in moments. In a flash new back up plans where immediately in placed providing a scene of wellbeing and that all important security. This simple act will now allow me to complete several goals at once and fill the empty space of my sole. Teaching an empty frog to dream once more and continue life with a passion. Life may not always take the path first planed, but is can still take you to your destiny.

If your life if a treasure waiting to be found. Your attitude is the map! By controlling your attitude you control your destiny.

Why Frogs?

     My Obsession started many years ago as a little girl. I loved to hunt for them in the park that was across from our home. I knew I could find a fat, green,slippery, wort covered frog,hiding in the dewy shade. On a hot summer day in California. During that time of my life it was the only happy sure thing I could count on. Unbeknownst to me, that  little thing that moment of security would began my love for the frog.
      As they years progressed I fell more in love the quirkier animated frog, via figurines. One friend after another would bring me a frog that had some type animated face.Each big eyed face had an expression that would represent an emotion that I could connect to, happy, sad, admiration, insanity, and pure joy.  Oh how the house filled with frogs. An abundance of frogs that each day that I could find some small happiness with or through.We even had a couple of pet frogs for a short stint. All small pets are short lived when you have curious and energetic toddlers in the home.
     One sad day came as I decided to put away my childish love affair with frogs. Each frog I packed with care into many boxes. Where they stayed safely nestled away for several years. However I found my love changed and grew over time. Now with a better understanding of  frogs, I learned I was a frog too!
     How am I like that Bulgie eyed friend of so many memories? Lets take a look at what may draw me into the world of frogs.The easiest is simply their appearance. I love bold bright colors. Where else can you find so many intense and unique colors.There is a color for every mood I find myself in. I love the slim line bodies with their long powerful legs. A shape I can find familiar and comfort in. Then there is the water. I often find myself drawn to water, as if it has some kind of magnetic pull. I find myself the healthiest and happiest when I am near water. I am much like the frog that must have water in order to survive. At the end of a tough day I can be found soaking up the heat of a hot bath for several hours at a time. Water can heal the many woes in life.
     I often feel like that simply under appreciated and misunderstood frog in this spinning and crazy world.
The frog is generally over looked as if it serves no point in this world outside of eating flying insects. Small , useless, and unloved. Yet frogs are amazingly sensitive animals.They can tell us so much about our surrounding environment. The slightest change in their environment can wipe out an entire species of frogs. Yet with taking notice of these little environmental friends we can see so much more. I am a people watcher of sorts taking in all that i see, looking to see what one little thing or person can do. I am always willing to offer my help yet often dismissed as if my thoughts do not matter. No I am not an over educated person with a useless degree i  will never use, nor is the frog. However that does not nullify my points or feelings or the important ques we get from the frog. My environment is subject to change just as the frogs. An as with the frog, environment changes are fine if they are slow. I do not mind change just as long as I have time to adjust or its under my terms.
     Research has shown that frogs have great hearing and eye sight. With that said to the great dismay of my children I have fantastic hearing. That allows me to be in tune with the sounds around me. As well as the sounds of a mischief making child.That keen sense of hearing enables the survival of our little frog friends and children.Just as you and I come in a variety of shapes and sizes so do frogs, long and slim, large and robust. There is a frog for everyone! I always have said big things come in small packages. Such as the mighty power they have within their lanky legs to some of the world most potent poison.  Let us pause on that for a moment. In the frog world the showier the color and smaller the frog, generally means the more toxic/poisonous it is. Sounds familiar! I have always notices the shower high maintenance women to be quit toxic and short men exceptionally angry.Okay Back to the frog. Ribit! Frogs have such amazing healing and medical potentials. They can act as indicator of our environment and the type of people we are. Huh may be we are all frogs in some way.
 Look at all this amazing ability harnesses in a little misunderstood frog. That says so little yet can invoke so much feeling. I am a frog! Small, cute, expressive, some times flashy, seldom heard, sensitive to environmental change, and hold the power to change and cure many things around me. One simple, sometimes slimy, colorful, frog bring hope to many and a smile to others.  Are you a frog too?

It would be so sad to continue to underestimate the quite voice of the frog.
Keep an eye out to see how this little frog is going to change the world. Starting with herself!
Welcome to Frog trek, the path of a changing frog.